“The soulmate of their dreams has become the cellmate of their nightmares.” -Ross Rosenberg
In session with this couple, I would use the metaphor of “The Dance” to begin to externalize (“to bring the problem out into the open”) what is happening in the relationship. The dance between the partner with narcissistic behaviors and the other with codependency is the dance of fluidity and ease. Each fulfills their part in leading and following as the music unfolds. It is as if the dance steps are effortless. The often self-absorbed, entitled, demanding traits of narcissism perfectly align with the self-less, sacrificial, giving, passive nature of the codependent partner. Yet, although they know to
expect one another’s moves in the dance, and although it continues without a desired end in sight, it is a dance of increasing anger, resentfulness, and unhappiness. They are bonded in their “magnetic roles”. They function as “human magnets”, according to Ross Rosenberg. She is the “yang” to his “yin”. Without interruption they are powerfully bound together, despite the wide-ranging consequences and mutual unhappiness.
As therapy sessions progress, this is the externalizing metaphor that I would return to again and again, to safely frame the problems the couple discuss. This metaphor serves as homebase, for the present moment. It reduces the threat of internalizing being flawed, feeling out of control of oneself, experiencing confusion, and feeling pathologized as I advance the work into more directly confronting the dysfunction of these “human magnets’” interactions.
In instances where the dominant partner shows the need to exercise power and feel in control and secure in activities that bring them attention, appreciation, and praise, I would begin to explore childhood issues where this partner may recall not experiencing these states of being, where they felt alone as a child in the world, how they had to find ways of being the little man or little woman for, or in the absence of, their parents. Likewise, with the submissive codependent partner, highlighting how she anticipates her dominant partner’s next moves, how she finds self-meaning in knowing and meeting his wants and needs even before he knows them, is possibly tied to how she has long found meaningfulness in giving, caretaking, and sacrifice, rather than in love and loyalty.
Just like a good dance partner, she submits without words, she anticipates and goes with the dance flow he is directing, and they mutually continue with their respective experiences of grandiosity, entitlement, need, and safety, security—until yet again they feel, as Rosenberg describes, that the soulmate of their dreams has become the cellmate of their nightmares. I would explore attachment and how anxiety and fear of being abandoned plays into their dance. We would look at the neuroscience around anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment to increase understanding that this is a biopsychosocial response that can be understood, thus again decreasing the idea that
either partner is flawed, doomed, and the relationship must end.
I would show how the brain can heal itself, and how “making up one’s mind” to lead the brain in new neural connections, increased activation of certain regions, and decreased activity in other parts of the brain takes our bodies and our lives on an entirely new preferred journey. Advancing further into therapy with the couple, I would explore deeper the likelihood that both partners have similarities in their childhoods. How narcissistic and codependent traits are likely tied to earlier psychological wounds, with the healthier functional pursuit being in the need to find real self-esteem and to have genuine self-respect.
I would instill hope that both can achieve the nonwavering belief in their own self-worth and commitment to the ideal of healthy and resilient love that leads to personal and relational joy, that Rosenberg describes. Being realistic about the changes required to interrupt this narcissistic/codependent paradigm, I will use discernment techniques to support the couple in determining if they want to do the hard work of restructuring aspects of their mind/brain/body connection in order to continue their relationship in a more fulfilling and satisfying way? If they agree to continue together, I will rely on emotionally focused couples therapy to address attachment issues, and solution focused narrative therapy to address present problems and to cultivate individual preferred narratives over dominant narratives.
I will help each partner build mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance skills, and improved interpersonal relationships using dialectical behavior therapy. Finally, I will continue to tap into creative aspects of symbolic experiential therapy, because I am committed to this approach to deepen my therapeutic alliance with the couple through authentically utilizing humor, spontaneity, metaphor, and other techniques consistent with my counseling style.
It is important for me to note things that I would not do. I would not give up on the partner with narcissistic traits or the relationship because of the narcissism. I would work with the partners in directly addressing the difficulties presented by narcissistic traits, and I would give this person an opportunity, and the support, to make choices to cultivate missing parts in his identity, homing in on empathy and compassion. I would not directly or indirectly advocate for a breakup or a cutoff because it contradicts my fundamental belief in relationships as the best system for healing oneself and others. I would address any emotionally abusive experiences of the codependent partner and request these stop, being specific in the request and checking back to ensure that the emotional abuse has discontinued.
Thank you for reading!